me

Hi, I’m Sarah. Welcome to never say never. Seven years ago many of my conversations began with the three words “I will never…”, but then my oldest son Bradley was born and my eyes, and heart, were opened to a world I never dreamt I’d enter.  So, as you’ve probably guessed, one thing I said I’d never do was start a blog. Well, almost three years ago my sweet friend Emily talked me into it and I’m so glad she did. It takes me nearly thirty minutes to write one sentence but it feeds my soul in a way that no other creative endeavor does.  The things I write about here are as varied as my interests, and the frequency with which I post will likely continue to ebb and flow with the inconsistent nature of life. It’s been a while since I’ve felt safe sharing some of the circling conversations in my heart, but in time, hopefully that will come. In the meantime I’ll continue to post some of the happenings from our journey, the thoughts that accompany them, the things that I’m drawn to and want to share, and occasionally the recipes that evolve in my kitchen. While this blog is not a place for me to be known, I do hope that it will help those of you who do know me to know me better and for those who don’t to find hope, and encouragement as you connect with my story through laughter and tears.

I’d love for this next paragraph to paint an accurate picture of the real me but the truth is, I’m too broken to be trusted to be completely authentic….even when I think I’m being honest, I’m still deceived on some level. And…it’s important to me that you find me interesting so I’ll likely leave out some of the boring details. It’s both sad and fascinating to me how we always find new ways to present a pseudo self to the world. I’ll aim not to do that but I’ll fail. In fact, I’ve already started by showing you a posed, edited image taken by a professional photographer of my very photogenic family, so to set the record straight here are some truths about the picture: Bradley has his hand over his mouth because he’s crying, Bennett is only smiling because he just ate some jelly bellies, Dexter has a dirty diaper, I am  sitting in a very unnatural position that I can only hold for seconds and Joe is just ready for us to be done…after all it is 27 degrees outside.

Some truths: I’m married to Joe. We’ve been married for thirteen years and they’ve all been hard. Maybe one day it will be less work but for now intentional living, regular rest and careful cultivation of our relationship keeps us from sinking. We’re learning to truly enjoy one another and to be grateful for the gifts that journeying through this life together offers. I’m mommy to three full of energy boys, Bradley, Bennett & Dexter. They are much more than I can handle but God gave me to them, and them to me and  I adore them. Because of them, our lives are incredibly full and we stay in a constant state of dependence on Jesus. Before I had kids I presented a very put together and controlled existence…but I had to give that up. When Bradley was born my life fell apart…in a good way (and it has fallen apart over and over again since that first earthquake). I’ve finally come to grips with the fact that I was never really in control to begin with, and while on occasion I’m still tempted to believe the groundless lie that I can do life alone, it’s comforting to know I won’t succeed and that each time I’ll fall gently into the arms of the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort.

Other things that are true: I love the summer. I wish the temperature never fell below ninety. I love yellow in any shade. Also, orange and usually green. Art makes me feel alive in a way that I want to share. Music makes me feel too, but I prefer to experience it alone. I love good food (but not sushi or salmon) and good design. I’m a recovering night owl, turned morning person and I’m beginning to doubt the life long belief that I’m an extrovert. I love warm vacations, and I always over pack. My kids think it’s great that I love Tootsie Rolls and even they recognize the fact that I over-salt EVERYTHING. I spend much of my time wiping butts, faces, tables, floors and walls and I’m okay with it because I’m learning what a gift it is to be present in the moment. Fortunately, the hope of perspective has rescued me from the tempting lie of balance.

Some things I wish weren’t true: My counter tops are ALWAYS clean, my bed is always made and my house is generally in order but our home doesn’t run very smoothly.  I don’t watch much television or read many books, but I can’t stop buying them. I don’t know how to pretend, play or respond appropriately to a joke. While order is and idol, I couldn’t care less about cleanliness and I don’t like to get in water so showering is a chore I do as infrequently as possible. Dirty fingernails and messy hair are the signature characteristics of my children. I’m always late because I value my time more than yours. It bothers me when I am referred to as a decorator. In my selfishness, I prefer tasks to relationships and it’s so very hard for me to transition between the two.

Some things I know are true but struggle to believe:  Love is not efficient. The Gospel. I am loved beyond measure. I’m not meant for this place. Life is not a flat puzzle to be solved but a dynamic story–a mystery to be enjoyed and I’m not the main character.

2 responses

2 12 2009
Clarice Johnson

Hi,
I go to church with Julie Tassy and I saw your ad on her Sugar and Spice facebook. I was not able to attend the sell, but I was wandering if you could do Christmas cards with a family picture that was taken a few months ago? I love the idea of having our picture on a card with a message inside. Please let me know asap as I need to send cards in a week or so. O yea, I do live in Greensboro, but attend church in Charlotte. (yea I know itz crazy, but we love it.) Thanks and look forward to hearing from you, Clarice Johnson

3 12 2009
sarahpay

absolutely. just email your photograph to me at spay@carolina.rr.com and select a design from the flicker site http://www.flickr.com/photos/43749390@N03/
if you don’t see anything you like we can always do a custom design. just let me know.

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