Our summer at slow down boot camp

I was never that kid who raced home to start on my homework or sat down to do a project just for fun.  Busy was the name of the game for me for as long as I can remember. There were just so many “have to’s” in life.  No more.  I mean having three little ones keeps me on the go but it’s so different from before.  The past 6 months I have been in slow down boot camp. I didn’t go willingly either.  It wasn’t what I wanted, but it was what I needed and somebody who loves me more than I could ever imagine sent me there.

All that to say, part of slowing down has meant not blogging but I really miss it and so many blog worthy things have happened that I really WANT to pick it back up…no have to anymore.

So, sort of sorry to make my comeback with a documentary post but this is for me and I just don’t want to forget what happened between now and then.

Easter.

A trip to the Columbia Zoo.  In my opinion, better for little ones than Asheville.

Then a short trip to the beach with our friends the Whites and Tuttles.

This summer we watched LOTS and LOTS of television.

My Dad turned 60 on June 11th.

The next day we went on a family beach trip with my parents, my grandfather, my brother & sister and their families.

Bradley celebrated his 6th birthday the usual way, at Camp Lurecrest.

We went to the pool almost everyday (we used sunblock most of the time).

And we ate most “meals” there. Did you know kids survive just fine on snacks? But it makes them look like this…

Did I mention we watched lots of television?

Joe & I took a short trip to Mexico. It was our first real trip away since we’ve had kids.

When can we go back?

We helped my parents move into a new condo.

We discovered the charlotte greenways and made great use of them all summer.

Most every morning the boys ran out to the stop sign to wave goodbye to Joe.  It’s those little rituals that I fear forgetting.

Then school started and we sent Bradley to kindergarten. (2 weeks & 6 years)

He said he wanted to ride the bus, so now we go to the stop sign to say goodbye to him every morning. Some days I cry.

Most recently we caught and cared for a little turtle until it was clear it needed to be returned to the pond.

And then Sunday Bennett fractured both bones in his forearm near the wrist. Fortunately they are buckle fractures so they’ll heal easily.

But really, we have slowed down more than this post would make it appear.

Rescue not relief.

Yes, that is what I long for.

“What often keeps us from recognizing the grace of God

is that we long for a “different kind of grace”.

In the middle of difficulty we long for the grace of relief,
while what God is bestowing us with is the grace of rescue.

We want the trial to end because we don’t like the pain,
while God wants the trial to remain in our lives
until it has completed its work in us.
We don’t rejoice in suffering like Paul did in Romans 5
because we would rather have a comfortable life
than the character that God-sent-difficulty can produce.

Yet God loves us too much to relent.

He didn’t shed the blood of his one and only Son to leave us to ourselves.
He didn’t reveal his truth to us
only to have us lost and confused in the middle of our own story.
He didn’t give us the Holy Spirit to have us paralyzed and unable
to deal with the significant struggles that come our way.

No, we have been and are being rescued by an activist Redeemer.
He does not get discouraged,
he does not get tired,
and he is never distracted.
He is intently focused on finishing what he has started in us.

It is very important in darkness to recognize the grace of God.

If our definition of that grace is too narrow,
and if what we expect that grace to offer is too limited,
we will be crying out for grace at the very time it is being showered on us.

It is quite possible to be the focus of divine love and rescue
and at the same time be interpreting what is happening in our life
in a very different way…

What we have to do is let the goal of grace define our expectations of
what grace looks like.”

-Paul Tripp

The Red Balloons.

Dexter turned two on April 17th and we had a little celebration.

Now I do love to throw a party–it’s the ultimate creative opportunity–but this year my heart was in a different place and I was hyper aware of my thoughts, feelings and motivations.  This party needed to be small and rather low-key. It was a busy day and there were just a few guests but it felt impossible for me to really make it as simple as I had hoped I would.  The party was to celebrate Dexter but honestly the details were more about me and my idols.

If he remembers anything about the party at all it will be the cake and the red balloons…the two things I had nothing to do with…oh and maybe the red lollipop.

But this is what I’ll remember…

Likely this will be the last cute party I throw. When they turn three they have opinions about what they like and want, and they don’t usually provide good inspiration for whimsical party themes. But…I’m sure I’ll still have plenty of opportunities to sort out the difference between an idol and a creative outlet.

Keep going.

We can count on God to patiently remove all the obstacles to our enjoyment of Him. He is committed to our joy, and we can depend on Him to give us enough of a taste of that joy and enough hope that the best is still ahead to keep us going in spite of how much pain continues to plague our hearts. – Larry Crabb

An Anthem.

I always feel most in control when I can make sense of what’s going on in my life…but that’s not very often. When I can’t I tend to organize thoughts and happenings into thematic categories and when I can’t even do that I cling to a verse, a mantra or an anthem. A friend shared this Sara Groves song with me a few weeks ago and it’s become my anthem.

Eating my thoughts.

I tasted them. I’ve been chewing on them for days. I hope to swallow them soon so I can be nourished.

If I had more time these would be my next two blog titles.

Transparency is not the same as vulnerability

&

Healing stillness

 

I am grateful for good friends, good counsel and the good insight they offer.

 

My cup is full.

During the past few years I have experienced some really sweet times of living life together with our close community but I have also been frustrated as I learn to live life in a different way.  For me, the ultimate sacrifice that comes with parenthood is that of time.  My time is not my own, and even though I’m ok with that, it’s not an easy transition.  I have learned to cherish a few minutes of quiet whenever I can and I’m getting used to conversations with friends that consist of sentence fragments, incomplete thoughts, facial expressions and hand movements. We miss out on the details most of the time but we still get the big picture and enjoy the comradery that comes with the unspoken understanding that this is just life as we know it now.

A month or two ago I began going on early morning runs with my sweet friend Lindsay and it has changed my life.  The exercise is nice and it’s great to get a jumpstart on the day but the time for uninterrupted conversation has fed my soul like showers on parched ground. Add to that a semi-consistent Wednesday  lunch date with another close friend (boy mom too), our Church’s annual women’s retreat at Montreat two weeks ago, a trip to Columbia for my dear college room mate’s baby shower last weekend, another visit from her and her doll husband yesterday, and even some late nights out with couple friends (thanks to our sweet and patient and probably very tired sitter) and I am a new woman.

I may have said it here before, but if not, I feel like maintaining excellent mental health is one of the best things I can do for my family. I am a strong believer in the fact that “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”, so, I take very seriously my role in setting the tone in our home. I’m not suggesting that relationships and conversations are the source of life, but they can certainly be life-giving, and I know that if I were to completely neglect my time with Jesus and focus only on horizontal relationships I would dry up, no matter how many deep conversations and meaningful relationships I had. I do believe, however, that Jesus meets me in those places, and allows me to experience Him in the flesh through the people He has placed in my life. I’m grateful to the core that I have been granted these opportunities as of late, and even if it’s just for a season, it feels good to be full.

Treasure.

Paperclips, spare change, rubber bands, badges, legos, pencils, cards, fake coins, chains, instruction booklets, rulers, dominoes, carabiners, pencil sharpeners, rocks, plastic jewels and rings, stickers, pictures, nails, silly bandz, old keys and key chains, gum ball machine trinkets, action figures, tape, old wallets, broken jewelry, pretty much anything that is small enough to fit in his pocket…they’re all treasures, jewels, valuable to Bradley.  The other night I went around the house and gathered up all the little pouches, bags, boxes and cups that held his treasure collections.  The pile below represents what I found.  Many of these things are part of the permanent collection while others are on loan from galleries such as my desk, the junk drawer and other people’s houses. Sometimes I get frustrated when I find yet another bag of treasure on his desk or in his nightstand that is too important to move or return to the proper place but truthfully I think it’s really cute…and telling.

It took me the longest time to realize he inherited this hoarding habit from moi! I pride myself on a clutter-free home but when you open any cabinet, drawer or closet you find a perfectly organized collection of crap, most of which I have no use for.  Even my closet is full of clothes I don’t really like but I can’t part with for one reason or another…usually because it will create a gap in the order of colors. I have this one purple shirt that is essential for a smooth transition from dark blue to magenta but I keep it for no other reason. I’m really sad that I’ve taught my son to love stuff so much. I’ve made great efforts to live in such a way that they know people are more important than things and that material wealth is fleeting but I’ve spoiled them with things that don’t last and now they’ve learned to fill up on junk.

Maybe there is something redemptive about Bradley’s desire to amass great collections of stuff but when I saw all the stuff I was able to put out for a yard sale last week it made me sick.  I laughed when I saw it but really it was sad. How did we get this way and when did it happen?

A few truths on a humid day.

Bradley is turning 5 on the 19th of June but the celebrations have already begun.  It’s scheduled to be a busy month with my sister’s wedding, birthdays galore and lots of family in town so we had to start early.

Just a few days before playschool ended it occurred to him that he wasn’t going to see his classmates again (they’re all going to Kindergarten next year) so he asked if we could do a special playdate/party with them.  If I had been smart I would have taken in cupcakes on the last day of school and done a little party there but instead …

…instead I made a production of it that we all paid for with blood, sweat and tears. I feel like I’ve been on a bit of a negative streak recently so instead of recounting the drama of the day I’ll go a different route and just speak some truths about what I experienced yesterday. I’ve been wanting to add a category called “truth” to my blog so maybe this entry will be the first.

………………………………………………….

Receiving help from others is a gift. Receiving grace is water to the soul.

Costco makes a mean chocolate cake.

Humidity is much worse than heat.

I always have too much food at every party.

No matter how many activities you plan, chaos will always ensue if boys are involved.

The older our children get the more deeply they can hurt us.

When they are ungrateful it seems to hurt the worst.

But when they are sorry (even though they’ll offend again tomorrow), and finally care more about the offense than the spanking, nothing feels as good.

Admitting that much of what I do “for my children” is actually selfish, is a step in the right direction but I think the path is long and surely hard.

But the little pirates make everything better.